Driving My Grandma

When I first got my driver's license, there was nothing better than driving endlessly through the winding country backroads of southern Indiana.  I spent most of my weekends and summers doing just that with no real destination in mind.  Who accompanied me in that beautiful 1975 Plymouth Duster pristine antique?  Sometimes my best friends, my parents, most of the time my sister and my grandma or just my grandma.  If I needed to clear my head or just catch my breath, we'd go for a ride.  I knew those rides were important back then but not nearly as much as I realize today.

It has been a very upsetting time for my family lately.  We have faced multiple deaths both expected and unexpected.  We are confronted with multiple serious health concerns with several family members.  And Thursday, I was informed that my position was being eliminated as part of a Reduction in Force action effective Aug 31.  I think this was the final straw that broke all sense of security that I had achieved up to this point.  Two years prior to the day, I started this job after 9 months of unexpected job reductions with my previous employer. 

I'm saddened, shocked, angry, disbelieving...I'm grieving for all of the above.  Finally.  I believe it's been easier to just tuck it away and keep moving along hoping against hope that things will turn around.  Die-hard optimist to the end.  Until the job cut.  What will we do if I'm unable to find another position?  We need medical insurance which I currently carry.  My husband was told by his physician to quit one of his full time jobs 2 days prior to this job cut.  He was going to turn in resignation the day I got cut.  Now he can't until we know I have another position with benefits not to mention the need for the income just in case there is no position to be found.  What about my daughter?  She'll need a different daycare if I can't get a position in the clinic.  How much is that going to harm her development considering her attachment to her friends and teachers?  When will I get to go to Indiana to see my family?  Can I continue with school?  God how I love my classes and the future that path will lead me to in my mind! 

The questions and worries all came flooding at once.  So I went for a drive.  A long endless drive.  After a long day of sight-seeing and splash pad fun, Bella slept in the carseat very soundly.  I got to the exit to go home and had no desire to turn off the freeway.  I turned onto the next off ramp and I drove.  And drove.  And drove.  Windows down, music up, anger, fear, grief, sadness flowing down my cheeks.  The kind of soul-cleansing cry that is silent but powerful.  When my tears were gone, I swear my grandma was in the seat beside me.  I could hear her saying, "Let's just drive, sissy.  We'll go find Heaven."  I heard my mom saying, "Just be still and listen.  The answer will come."  Dad's quiet calm echoing over it all.  And with that, out of nowhere as I watched a beautiful country summer sunset and turned toward home, Robert Frost's poem came to mind.  I had to laugh out of loud.  One of my all time favorites and haven't thought about it for ages: 

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Now I know that my grandma is still riding right along with me afterall.  Mom and dad you're talking to me even when you aren't.  All of the characters of my past and present.  And that has made all the difference.